11

Dear Kip,

I love the holiday season.  The traditions:  making lefse, hanging Christmas ornaments, elementary music programs, Christmas Eve church service, and opening presents on Christmas morning. The food:  cookies, pudhea, and potato sausage.  The lights: driving around to look at lights in Bismarck, the lights of the Christmas tree in the evenings, and the candlelight at church on Christmas Eve.  The music:  all of the music!

What I love most of all, though, is making memories with family.  Whether it was Christmas Eve in Wilton with my dad's family or Christmas morning in Arizona with my mom's family, I enjoyed being surrounded by family.  I looked back on those times as inspiration to help create similar memories for my kids.  On Christmas morning, it didn't matter if we were in Minneapolis for a Vikings game, in Bozeman getting ready to go skiing, or at home just relaxing, it was important that we were together and sharing time with family.

After my divorce, I was scared to spend a Christmas morning alone.  I know that you feel that you can make any day a holiday and it does not matter when you celebrate…and I agree with you, but I was scared to be without family on Christmas morning.  And now that you and I have found each other, I know that will never happen.  You have given me a big bonus family that I love and adore, and it will be a joy to share Christmas mornings with them.  And I already look forward to the Christmases future in which we will have no idea who will be where and when.  As much as I feel a sense of security in having a plan, as long as I get to wake up next to you on Christmas morning, I will be happy. 

I look forward to all the new traditions we will start together.  I look forward to the many memories that we will make together.  Christmas is about love and joy and hope, and as we transition from a couple to a family, I know that love and joy and hope will all be abundant for many years to come. 

I love you always,

Brandy Lynne       

10

Dear Kip,

I have never felt more loved or more taken care of than I have felt since I met you.  I have never felt more content, more relaxed, and more secure before now.  I am so thankful for you and every single day I thank God that our paths crossed.  I finally feel like I am receiving love how I give love…easily, honestly, and unconditionally. 

If it sounds like there is going to be a “but”, it is because there is.  But I am a woman, I am a human, and I have some serious insecurities.

Many times over the last four years I have said that it is hard to get my head and my heart on the same page.  I have always been an anxious person, a worrier.  My dad tells me that it is from my “Brenneise blood.”  So even though in my heart I know that worrying is a waste of time and energy, I worry anyway.  My heart loses and worry wins. 

What do I worry about?  Travel for sure.  Bus rides.  You driving back and forth to Mandan all the time.  Jeffrey driving and not paying attention.  Work always.  Am I covering enough standards in science?  How much more should I have the kids write in class?  Are my students getting enough food and love at home?  Relationships.  Am I making enough time to connect with my kids, parents, cousins, friends, brother, students, you?  My health, mental and physical, is an everyday struggle.  I like food, especially sweets, too much.  I need my sleep or I get cranky.  I want to exercise but make excuses.  I worry about us.  You and me.  Will you get tired of me?  Will you start to find me annoying?  When will the house be ready for us to move in?  I am ready to start forever but I worry that I am rushing you.  Money.  I budget daily and so money is an everyday worry.  And the list goes on and on. 

But the reality is that my list is not unique.  How I react to that worry is what can be unique.  I can consciously work to be my best self spiritually, mentally, and physically.  I can do this, not only for myself, but for my kids and for you.  So how is this a love letter?  Well, Kip, you let me talk to you about everything, even the hard things, and you do not judge me.  You listen, give thoughtful advice, and help me to see points of view that I do not always notice. You push me to be the best version of me.  I hope that I am doing so in return.  Is there a better version of love than this? 

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne

9

October 31, 2020

Dear Kip,

Another month has come and gone and I didn't take a picture of us together.  That is crazy to me, but when I look at the month, I also guess it is not surprising.  You were in Mandan October 1-4, I was in quarantine October 3-18, you were in Denver October 14-19, and you were in Mandan October 29-November 1.  That did not leave a lot of time for us.  

But even though that did not leave a lot of time for us, you made time for us.  Thank you for your quick visits while the kids and I were in quarantine.  Thank you for grocery shopping for us during that time (my mom thinks you are a keeper since you asked the kids for a grocery list, not just me!).  Thank you for taking the time to have real conversations with me after work.  Thank you for saving shows for us to watch together (and for watching the Big Bang Theory after watching Evil so I do not have nightmares).  Thank you for your good morning texts and your quick phone calls while you are traveling.  I know that those are just normal things that you do, but they are not my normal so I will tell you thank you over and over and again.  Thank you for being you. 

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne

8

 

September 25, 2020

Dear Kip,

A few nights ago, I was teasing you about spending the night with me. (I thought that I was flirting with you, but I’m not so good at flirting so who knows how it came across?) You got a little defensive and told me that you are pulled in one hundred directions, and you then made sure to emphasize that you always make time for me. 

Kip, I need you to know that I get this, and I appreciate it.  I see you.  You are pulled from work, from family, from the community, and now from me.  I see that you want what is best for everyone around you and that you are willing to do whatever it takes for them to get the best.  I need you to know that I have never felt like you are not available to me.  Sure, I long for you at night when I am staying at home.  Of course, I miss you on the weekends when you are in Mandan, but you make time to send me texts and pictures, letting me know I am on your mind.  These things fill my bucket when we aren’t together. 

In the time you take providing for and giving to everyone else around you, I worry most about you making time for and taking care of yourself.  You haven’t for a while for sure.  Since you finished your Travelall, you have not added another project for yourself that is strictly for you.  (I hope that all the work on your house and shop will bring you joy eventually; I know it will me!)  Your kids are not wrong in trying to persuade you to take a vacation.  You give to everyone else and they know how important it is for you to give to yourself.

I want you to realize that I want to give back to you.  I want to fill your bucket and help this life be the best life for you.  No matter if that is going for a walk, learning to change tires, cleaning up your shop or yard, watching movies, cooking together, making projects, or chasing our kids, I want to do it with you.  I want you to know you can always count on me.

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne

7

August 30, 2020

Dear Kip,

I’m not quite sure how it’s possible that we have been dating for six months.  It seems like yesterday …and a lifetime ago… that you met me in the parking lot next to my house so I could see your face and hear your voice for the first time. 

The world has completely changed in the last six months.  There is a global pandemic forcing businesses, schools, and families to operate differently than normal.  Unless you are in the mask-making business or Amazon, your business is probably struggling.  Schools are delaying start dates and operating on an alternative schedule or at a distance. And families are staying put.  The United States is experiencing social unrest as people fight over whose lives matter.  The election has both matters underfoot and the political divide is tearing this country and its people apart.  It really is a time of unrest and uncertainty all around.

But somehow, in the last six months, our families have continued reaching milestones.  Liberty graduated from high school, Jeffrey finished 8^th grade at EFS and started high school, Zoe married Ryan and Shamus stole the show, Sampson and Gabby bought a new house, Tyler and Jaxon are busy mountain-biking, Scout is working and opened a bank account, Macy is enjoying being a tween and driving the golf cart around town to hang out with friends, and Rebel started Kindergarten.  You and I are talking about moving in together and building a greenhouse.  Life goes on.  Life must go on, even amidst all the chaos. 

The thing about life for both of us is that we were fine without each other.  Six months ago, we were both fine.  Content.  But if there’s a chance to be better than fine, why not take it?  We get this one life, a few short years on the planet together.  Sure, fine is easy and great might be messier, harder, but with you it will be worth it.   

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne

6

August 4, 2020

Dear Kip,

When I started writing letters to you, my plan was to write you one letter every month from then until forever.  I barely made my June deadline and I completely missed a July deadline.  The thing is is that I didn’t miss writing you a love letter because I didn’t have anything to say, I have just really struggled to find my words lately. 

I started to write you a letter about the eight different types of love and how my love for you evolves with different life experiences, but I couldn’t put my thoughts together.

I started to write you a letter about how safe I feel around you and how important that is to me.  I am a woman who wants a protector, not because I cannot protect myself, but because I believe in the value of the roles we have in our relationships.  Yet as I wrote, the words didn’t seem right for the message. 

I started to write you a letter about how much I appreciate your kids making a point to get to know my kids and me.  I will never try to be your kids’ mom, just as I know you will never try to be a dad to mine. But I will promise to love them unconditionally.  I will be there to support them and love them no matter what.  But nothing I wrote seemed quite right when trying to capture the magnitude of my feelings. 

I guess I just couldn’t find my words in July.  Maybe I will in August?  If I do, I’ll write you two letters.   

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne 

5

June 30, 2020

Dear Kip,

Every day for the last four months, I have thanked God that, at a time when I was unsure what I wanted for my future, I had the courage to join Match.  Even though I hated Match, it stressed me out and I didn’t like the way it made my brain work, it gave me the opportunity to meet you.  Every day for the last four months, I have thanked God that you were spontaneous enough to click like when you saw my picture. 

Kip, I loved you instantly.  You made me laugh out loud the first time you messaged me when you teased me about an awkward encounter at the produce section of the grocery store.  You won my heart a day or two later when you asked me to play a game by asking questions back and forth in order to get to know each other.  At the time, my love for you was simple and flirtatious.

Now, four wonderful months later, my love for you has grown because I have witnessed over and over the man that you are.  Ask me to list the reasons that I love you and I could go on and on. 

Little reasons like you know that driving around is one of my favorite types of quality time and so you do it.  Big reasons like you take care of your family no matter what and you push adults with disabilities on the swing.  Selfish reasons like you want me to tickle your back every night, over and over (which I will do lovingly for as long as you want me to because I enjoy it).  Selfless reasons like you sponsor Macy’s basketball team at Hoopfest.  Reasons like you help me with projects, you hold me accountable, you help me to see situations from different points of view, and you are an amazing chef.

Yes, Kip, I loved you instantly, I love you even more now, and I will love you for always.  Our timing perfect timing on Match was His Godwink. 

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne

4

May 18, 2020

Dear Kip, 

I have always felt it is important for me to model behavior I expect from others: at work, with my kids, and in a relationship. 

If it is important to me that teachers give all students a chance, then that is what I need to do for students.  If I want my students to use kind words while speaking to each other, I need to speak kindly to my students.  If I want my partner to adore me, then I need to adore him first. 

So, back in January as I was preparing to enter the dating world again, I would daydream about what kind of relationship I would want to model for my own children. Faithful, definitely.  Fun, absolutely.  Respectful, of course.  But having a relationship worth modeling to children needs to be labeled by more than just adjectives.  It needs depth and depth comes in the form of actions, not adjectives. 

I could picture the relationship, but I couldn't picture the man, until I met you.  Kip, I want to model this relationship with you…for our children so that they can recreate it in their own lives.  I want to show our kids what love looks like.  I want to let them see you kiss me in the kitchen.  I want to let them see me snuggle with you on the couch.  I want to let them see you hold my hand on a walk.  I want to let them see me flirt with you when you leave in the morning and when you get home at night.  I want to let them see you make me laugh. 

I want our children to see us love each other so well that they will know that love is worth it…because now I know it is...with you.  I want our children to be able to say, “I just really want a love like theirs.”

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne

3

April 27, 2020

Dear Kip,

Well, if we were to pick one of the most stressful times to start dating, I would say that we nailed it.  Since the middle of March, the United States has been on a social distancing order and later a stay-at-home order.  Because work, school, and social activities changed drastically, so did our daily lives.    

To say this is a stressful time is an understatement, especially for you.  To know you is to know that family is important to you.  To know you is to know that family doesn’t have to be blood.  And right now, your family is deeply affected by changes in daily living. You haven’t been able to go to Mandan to see your kids and grandkids in over a month and the economy is tanking causing oil prices to plummet, putting extra stress on you at work.

During this time of stress for you, I want to learn to give you love how you need to be loved.  And as confident as I am that I will love you forever, I am not confident in how you need to be loved right now.  Do you need space?  Do you need me to show up unexpectedly with coffee?  Do you need me to make you talk?  Do you need me to sit quietly next to you and just keep you company? 

I know there is nothing I can do to make your stress go away right now.  Not seeing your kids has to be the worst.  Having to lay employees off that you know depend on you for a living cannot be easy.  But I want to be your person that you can count on for peace and safety.  You have given me so much already…you have been my safe spot and my home, my company and my entertainment, my sounding board and my voice of reason during this stressful time.  I want to be able to give back to you what you have given me. 

So, Kip, I guess what I am trying to say is that I promise to learn and to love you, not only when times are easy, but also when times are tough.  Right now. 

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne

2

April 13, 2020

Dear Kip, 

We have both been blessed with parents who stayed married, close extended family, and amazing kids.  We have both fallen in love, married, and experienced the joy of raising children.  We have both experienced losses, been hurt, and then healed.  We have both experienced contentment in where we have been and where we currently are.  And yet we have both been looking for something more…

I cannot seem to get out of my head that the last 50 years for you and 40 years for me have been leading up to this exact point in time.  Right now.  This is when the timing was right for our paths to cross and we can finally find that something more. 

For me, that is you, Kip.  I found you (well, you found me and for that, I will be forever grateful).  The man who I knew I loved on the first day we met in person.  You, Kip, the man that I trust fully.  You, Kip, the man that I know I want to spend as many years loving as God will allow me.  You, Kip, the man who will be a part of my greatest love story.

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne

1

March 14, 2020

Dear Kip,

You were teasing me the other night (There haven’t been that many yet so it would probably be easy to figure out which night, except that I don’t want to scroll back through even a couple days of texts between us because seriously, are we 16?) asking when you were going to make an appearance on my blog. 

And so I began thinking, “What can I possibly write to him, for him, about him to get the full sense of what I want to say?”  The language part of the human brain is not connected to the emotion part of the brain, and so when I try to put what I am feeling right now in to words, I am just not sure that I will succeed. 

What should I write to you, Kip? What should I say in my first love letter to you? 

Should I say that I feel more comfortable and able to be myself around you than any other partner I have ever had?  Should I say that I trust you more than I have ever trusted anyone?  Or should I tell you that I’m already dreaming of getting married and moving in together.  Probably not, that would be rushing things, right?  So, I’m not going to say those things.

I probably should not write about how much we have texted in the last 3.5 weeks; it’s safe to say that is was a lot, maybe too much, but looking back, I wouldn’t change it. 

Instead, I will tell you some, of the many, reasons that I am attracted to you.  How about a list?  You are a caretaker and prefer to give rather than take; when you say you are going to do something, you do it right away; you are willing to have tough conversations and are always honest, you call me out on my pettiness and help me be a better person; your beard, your smile, your eyes…; you are a great cook; and most importantly, when I asked you to come and meet me so I could see your face and hear your voice, you did. 

Love you always,

Brandy Lynne